Fear of Flying

So as I watch my dreams of South Korean teaching slip further and further through my hands I try to keep myself together. There's so many things that I have been trying to keep under control and mainly is this overwhelming sense of placelessness. I listened to the Avenue Q soundtrack yesterday and went to tears balling. "What Do You Do With a B.A. in English?" and "Purpose" never felt more heartbreaking than right now. The comforting words of friends are probably the first real thing to make me feel better since Korea said they wouldn't pay for my airfare. And I know there are other ways of getting these things to work out, but sometimes I have such trouble. God, if you're listening I really need a miracle here. I am so afraid of this future that seems looming over me all the time. I can't breathe sometimes at night for sake of the fact that all I ever wanted to do is make my parents proud. And for one of the first times in a while, it seems that they're worse than mad. They're disappointed. I can't bare their looks sometimes. Their questions that I don't have answers for. Their speculation about what I am about to do with my life. This was the same existential crisis I had just before graduation, because there's not really a class out there that teaches you about yourself. There's no one place that says, "what do you want to do with the rest of your life? what's going to sustain you?" I look at some people that end up locked in jobs they hate, because there weren't many options at some point or another. And as a child I always vowed that I would never be one of them. Well, it looks like I might become a hypocrite today. Today, the militant rebel is defecting to the enemy to save himself. How the hell am I going to fight in the struggle now? What do You want for my life God? Why can I not see all the things working for the good of they that love the Lord? Am I not in love with You as much as I thought? Or are You not in love with me as much as I hoped? Dear Lord, please prove me wrong.