Boxed Goodbyes

There is some point when you realize that the things you were leaving behind are just that, things. But sometimes there are more important things that our soul calls out for. Not things, or the familiarity, but the people. I can't really explain what it's like some days to wake up and realize the fact that I never have to enter Hampton, Virginia again if I don't want to. The sensation something of a mix between an idealized freedom and a dull pain from the loss this "freedom" yields. Though I know I have lost some of you on this conclusion, I know one of you understands what I'm saying. I can't immediately get over it. At Hampton University I found out who I was. I spent years cultivating it. My personality. My spirit. My sense of fashion. My style. My voice. Even the way I saw myself. No, I was not and am not the vision of perfection I would like to be, but after 4 years with just me I got to love all of me. I got the chance to see my flaws and all. Maybe even expose a few of them to my friends. To my shock and great pleasure, they too revealed their humanity. Their scars. External and internal. They told me of their own insecurities and we found ourselves loving on one another, unlike anyone else could. We formed a bond that I know will last beyond those short four years. We made a family. Some of us coming from no such a thing. And others of us coming from what they tell us is a "normal home." But any of my friends, my true family, can tell you, I don't believe in normal. There is no such thing. I always say, "If you show me what normal looks like I promise I will try to follow the trend." And though I really wouldn't I only say that because normality is a highly subjective issue. Anyway, we're getting off topic. The point is, my friends, and the family we created by coming together made up the first place where I felt "normal." So being out and about here in the Atl is cool. My friends are still close to me. But at HU I felt surrounded by a warmth that is inexplicable. They know me better than so many. They know the innermost hopes and desires of my heart. They know my darkest fears. And while I keep telling myself it'll be okay, sometimes it doesn't soak into my subconscious as I would like it to. Case in point: last night I had a dream. A dream about Hampton, and Graduation. As usual, the dream is warped because for some reason it can't really form the HU campus properly. Instead it was in what looked a blended version of the three subdivisions my parents have lived in. And the English Majors had gathered. They were toasting and celebrating, making comments about all the "things" and "people" they were going to miss. A long lost friend of mine and Brittany (my bff) waved frantically and yelled "goodbye." And in a frenzy to remember this moment, even in a dream, I took out my camera and began snapping pictures of everyone there, despite their protestation. Underscoring this dream was that song "I'd rather go blind," sang by the lovely Beyonce. Don't ask me why, but that song never felt so heartbreaking and so appropriate. I woke up in my bed. Alone. And the second I actually turned on the Cadillac Records album to try to remember the dream, via the music I heard in it, I was struck with it. The song cued up and all the feelings of Hampton, former lovers past friends, new friends, true friends, and lifelong family I was overwhelmed. The tears poured from my eyes and I can't tell you how badly I want to go run back to the 757 to find all my sisters and brothers. My play cousins and little junebugs. Sorry, I'm ranting. Ranting about something I know I said I was past. But I don't think I'll ever be. Going back to Hampton Roads won't even do, because everyone has started "real life" now. And some of us are stuck on the fringes. Caught between a fully developed adolescent and an adult scared shitless of what tomorrow holds for them. I miss my family. I love them. And I want to be free of this melancholy that keeps me from moving on to the next level. I just didn't realize how high they had gotten me. And now with them gone it seems I'm lower than I care to admit. So I'll stop now, for my pride's sake. But just know English Majors, Theater Geeks, Relayers, 420ers, and the whole lot, you all were more real to me than some of the blood I have flowing through me veins right now. And I'll never fully be over the love that is shared between us. Au revoir.