A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste

I don't have it in me to watch 'House' anymore. Dr. Gregory House has begun to reach that spot in my heart where it's pains me. I watch him towards the close of this past season nearing madness. He's obsessive over everything. He can't seem to focus. He has logic that entangles with other logic and overanalysis that I can't handle. It bothers me to see such genius fall to ruin. In fact, it's one reason I can't really watch 'A Beautiful Mind.' Because a long time ago a mentor of mine called me "brilliant." Of course he meant it in a good way. He enjoyed my work and my art. But I took it an entirely different direction than I care to admit. I know that there is that fine line between genius and insanity and I have always been scared of it. When I couldn't steady my thoughts in high school I used to get headaches, because there was so much up in my mind that I had to let out. I started to keep a journal. However, as fate would have it, some of my family found that journal and used some of the info in there against me. I vowed never to keep one again. And it was then that I grew afraid. Afraid of walking that fine line. Afraid of having a brush with madness and ending up as tragically deranged as John Nash. Chasing after invisible friends and solving complex logarithmic cryptological codes that never even existed. How does one deal with that? Those shows are troubling. They are actually the reason I subtitled this blog "Scrawlings of a Madman." Even before people knew that was its subtitle. That's always what it's been. Because here was where I come to make sense of the chaos sometimes that seems to formulate and clutter my otherwise unremarkable mind. I hope you won't think less of me for this confession. However, this is the truth is its ugliest form. I hate myself for admitting it. But maybe if I can admit I'm a little crazy, someone can understand just how sane that might actually make me.