Over It

It's so sad to feel this way, but the longer I stay here the more judgmental parts of my heart feel. I talked to my parents and am sometimes so bored with their "routines" that make feel like I am caught in an endless Rinse cycle. I talk to my alleged best friends in the Atl and I feel like they don't even know me as well as my HU Fam. Is it possible that all these years we've remained friends out of convenience? I mean the circle has swapped out appendages throughout the years with extra friends and individuals I didn't know, because I was "away at school." I never felt so agitated as when one of said "appendages" decided to sneer at my university education. And then to have my closest compadre side with them. I was disgusted. I have begun to notice his routine as well. I have gotten more than bothered being here. I'm past irritated and have jumped straight into exasperation. There is no rest because I can find reasonable escape from this place. Every avenue that seems viable locks me in an awful waiting room littered with magazines about knitting and an elevator music to drive one insane. I know I said I am going to change my attitude. And I will. Just as soon as I get this off my chest. In this new season of life that I have entered I find myself more and more ready to cast aside all the old things that characterized my former life. Some of the clothes that are all worn out. The jeans that I can't quite squeeze into anymore. And the relationships that seem to have reached a stagnate plateau of discontent. I think in this new life I hope to fashion, I have to accept what Mama always says. "People are in your life for a reason, season, or lifetime." And I realized that some lifetimes are shorter than we'd expect. I am truly disheartened that one of the people I thought knew me the most really has no clue about my innerworkings. And the people who do are dissipated all across America now. It seems funny how someone could be your friend for years longer than high school and college, and still the people who lived with me and through the hardships with me, know me better than my hometown buddies ever could. They got stories I never even thought to confide in someone I consider a best friend. Now I'm having to step back and reexamine how I qualify that title. What do I place value on in order to build the eternal bond of friendship? And why does it feel like I had it wrong up to this point? No, this is not a Hampton U blog again. It's about me. It's about the phrase "friendship is essential to the soul." And how I have been apparently starving myself for years, by hanging out with people who maintain the worse sort of symbiosis or commensalism I have come to witness. Actually, I think it's worse than that. I think our friendship might be a co-parasitism. If there is such a thing. We both suck the goodness from one another for our own benefit, but when we really examine this arrangement, we see our engorged soul gluttony has still left us empty inside. Really, we should give and take to be complete. As ass-backwards as that sounds. Hmph. Sorry it's taken 8 years of friendship to realize that you were a crutch with no rubber armpit cushion. You helped me stand. And walk, but in the end you were still uncomfortable. And my legs will never fully heal if I keep leaning on you. Hasta pronto amigo mayor. No. Hasta luego. Sí. Esta corecto.