Shame the Devil

I didn't used to be a drinker. I couldn't handle it. Couldn't hold it in my system well enough to carry on normal conversation. I would usually spin out of control and start speaking Spanish. I'm not lying. My friends used to be on watch for such things. My roommate had given me the nickname "One Beer Queer" because often I was told, I can't hold my liquor. And I suppose to a great extent they were right. I grew up in a household where for so many reasons alcohol has plagued our family. I didn't have my first drink until Freshman year at Hampton. And even after a year of trying I was still failing miserably at this modern-day accepted form of alcoholism in the social scene. Not that there is anything wrong with people who drink. However, at one point was not able to count myself in their company. But the years went on and I began to get more "comfortable" I'll say, with drinking. It got easier. And easier. And easier still. Not that I'm an alcoholic, by any stretch, but on occasions when I go out, I do enjoy a White Russian with my meals. And as depression has been gripping the better part of my heart on Friday and Saturday nights I used to spend out on the town sober. I now turn to the bottle. And I know it hasn't been good for me, but it's really been the only coping mechanism I've known while alone here. I have tried several times to put together makeshift evenings with some of my acquaintances but in the end, the good plans fall through and even with all the wheels turning on the train, my car come to a screeching halt before we ever leave the station. And I'm left to try and drown my sorrows. It's really not good. I'm trying to work it out, but I'm not always in the right place. Emotionally, I mean. There is really a lot of work the Great Bartender in the Sky has to do on me. I think He's giving me the "Last Call" signal. And I'm ready to give it up. Hell, I only started this trend a few weeks ago. But it's the right thing to do. I shouldn't indulge in such behavior. It's just hard sometimes. Trying to deal with all the hurt in my heart and inconsistency of my spirit. It is a heavy burden to try not to run from. It means really giving myself time to know that things are going to be okay. I've got some prospects and part of me is just running away from other obstacles because I'm afraid of being let down again. But staying where I am would mean embracing a hurt that threatens to swallow me whole. The truth is, even when I have my own plan and try to map out my next move, I don't know where I'm going. And it seems that J-Jireh and my plans don't always sync up. So I'm not always sure I'm doing the right thing. But I just can't sit here and continue to do nothing. I'm moving. Moving to another place. Another moment. Another life in hopes that this one will be closer to what I've been praying for. I will try to stay away from the Temptation of the world to escape my Convictor. And I will try to hold on to my sometimes wavering dreams. Do I know if this is exactly what He wants? No, but I'm moving in the Faith that this is what He has for me. And believing that He will not fail me yet.