Complicado

Today I read. Reading is always sort of cathartic for me as sometimes individuals find a way to articulate notions we have in common in a clever way. Today's response will be to the female half of this circle of compadres. Her poetic prose danced on the page for me and settled in a cozy corner of my mind. It reminded me of the thing that always drew us together in a sort of magnetic friendship that I always believe goes far beyond this natural world. And as she described clever nuances about her personality I recognized what some of it looked like in real life. I could vividly picture those sentiments that I share within myself. Those complicated twists and turns of all of our personas that makes uniquely ourselves. And when she described the weaker elements of the human dilemma of ultimately still being just a man (or a woman in her case).

I identify with those musings because that is what is closest to my current strivings. I have tried everything in the book to reconcile those idiosyncrasies of having polar thoughts dueling within your head each day. On tv, they do the shoulder pixie thing with one side depicted as an angel and the other shoulder housing a devil. But my warring ideologies are not as simple as that. There are not merely two parts of my being trying to get their side heard there are several. The Spirit of me wants the Mind, and the Body, and the Conscience, and the Heart to all shut up long enough so that it focus on how to feel free.

It's half the reason why I kept trying to figure a way out of the country. B/c my Spirit yearns for an openness and adventure that mundane desk work and rigid school curriculums can't provide. My Mind would like time to get considerable thinking in that results in some reasonable and profitable resource that would win it critical acclaim. The Body would just like to fulfill itself through exercise and "physical exertion" and then admire its own output in the mirror. The Heart yearns for a love it knows it cannot actually handle at this moment. And the conscience realizes that all these things are good but I must still support myself in some legal and rewarding sort of way. All this sums up to the fact that yeah, a brother is pretty complicated his damn self.

I need money. I need food. I need affection. I need more food. I need fulfilling exercise. I need creative outlet. And I need something beautiful that I can call my own. Thus far I have feel I have only caught crumb snatches from the Feast of Life and though I'm not hungry right now, parts of me are starving for an attention I have no time to show them. I, unlike my friend, still have trouble sometimes trying to consolidate all these "pieces of me" and they get a little heavy to carry around with me all the time since neglecting them technically makes them dead weight. Confused yet by this extended metaphor? Don't worry. I am too. But I won't be for very long.
**For my non-Anime Followers the picture above is taken from the show Bleach. A teenage hero named Ichigo often had to battle a monster that lived dormant within himself. A monster aptly named a Hollow.