Gone Too Soon

Today, for no reason at all I missed you and I couldn't even take time to properly cry. It hasn't ever hurt quite as much as it did at your funeral, but sometimes it sneaks up on me and paralyzes me with sorrow; and a longing to see a face that left six years ago. You were the middle child just like me, trying to carve a path all your own, amid work, amid love, amid pain that you never let the world see. And sometimes for no apparent reason at all I feel tears well up in my eyes for the first person I was close enough to know when they died. It shook our whole family. And there's still a vacuum where your laughter used to split the air. I haven't felt this way since Graduation.

I remember you used to always be the loudest cheerleader anybody in the family could ask for. You always had this magnetic way of bringing everyone in our disjointed household into the same room to talk about something funny one of the babies had done. I wish you could see them now. Kareem is so tall and smart too. And Kaseama Joy, is the spitting image of you. She's beautiful. And it's not like I don't think about you often, anytime I do any work for the American Cancer Society or look at pictures or hear a song about family I think about you. I especially missed you this holiday because truthfully your smile was always one of the brightest. It used to really warm me more than I probably ever could articulate. You were strong.

You didn't stop smiling. Even when you were in pain. Even when the chemo made you so weak you could hardly stand. Even when it upset your stomach and it hurt you to even slightly move. You smiled. You laughed loudly, head back, full row of teeth showing, heartily laughed. You took no moment for granted and you held your children's hand as long as you could. The family was always good about giving us second and third parents. You and Aunt Cynthia made up a really great sort of pair to be my second mothers. Your outspoken personality mirrored mine to a great degree.

And I still remember carrying your wedding ring down the aisle when you wed him. You were so beautiful. And for no particular reason today, I thought about how six years ago your breast cancer cost our family a fervent member of the squad. It cost two women a sister. It cost one son the nurturer he still needs. It cost one beautiful baby girl a woman she so desperately wanted to be just like. Yeah, I don't know what made me think of you tonight. But I love you. And I miss you. So much. Maybe you just wanted to pay me a visit tonight here in New York City. Like you did when I was working on my Senior Thesis. Maybe you just had the urge to remind me that I'm not alone up here. Maybe you wanted to let me know that life isn't fair, but everything happens for a reason. Maybe you just wanted to let me know that God sometimes has other plans for our lives. Whatever the reason, hi Auntie.