A Hard Look

I kept waiting on what he said not to be true, but the more I think about it, the more I know so much of it to be accurate. I trust his opinion. The very reason why I even have to get professional photos taken proves he's telling the truth about how I break into my industry. I just don't want it to be. But disney never called me back, and anyone who's ever met me knows that Disney is a dream of mine. I am disney. They were the original characters that I wanted to play and their animated antics, dare I say, are some of the ways I even came to express myself. This whole "fresh face" thing makes sense. I get it. But this isn't how I always picture myself in my mind. My goatee is clearly in exact contradiction to who I am and what I would like to present to the world. And though part of me recognizes that glaring fact a bigger part of my ego has spent time getting truly comfortable with this ruggedly friendly MJ that I thought greeted me each morning in the mirror. If I've lost some of you I apologize.

Let me start this from the beginning so that I can catch you up. I am getting my headshots done this week, but before I could do this my photographer wanted to sit down and have what was called a "consultation" so that he could gage where I'm going with these photos and the career that hopes to follow because of these shots. I unabashedly told him Broadway. It's always been where part of my life's ambitions lies. I want to tour. And dance. And sing. God I want to sing. It's the only thing I've always enjoyed even if the whole world shrank away from me in muted silence I would want the comfort just being able to hear my own voice.

No matter how vain that may connote. It is that silent prayer I whisper to myself whenever I go into an audition. The characters from many of Walt Disney's creations underscore morality and lessons that I learned at an early age. I want to sing in the middle of the spotlight and allow these big eyes and bright smile to usher in the same hope in my audience, but for some reason I didn't get called. I haven't made an impression on anyone or I haven't shown these casting directors what they need. I've hoped for so long that my talent was big enough to take me all the way. I keep waiting "my look" to fit everyone else's standard and when it doesn't I'm left slightly heartbroken.

I've spent my whole life ridiculing and defying everybody's box so when my photographer asked me to put myself back in one to be sold it made me feel unnerved. Afraid. I should say. My self-esteem has always been accented with insecurities of acne, big eyes, pointing eyebrows, and a perplexity that makes my face more angular than round like the beautiful people from the magazines or the popular people who instilled this fear in me in elementary school. I want to be weird. I want to be different. And I can be. But apparently before I can do that I have to be "normal." And that's not necessarily a term I've come to associate with myself. It's a difficult reality I'm trying to swallow. And the hardest look I've ever had to take in the mirror.