So Anxious

I was dragged against my low-key will out to be social this weekend. The result was an internal struggle where I couldn't understand why I didn't come home with one number. I mean, there most definitely was enough good looking people in the place. And I don't count myself in the absolutely ugly catergory, so there should have been no reason to leave there empty-handed. It's just.....you ever feel like you don't want to step to someone yet because you're not all the way together? I do that a lot!

I make a point of memorizing their face, their outfit, or maybe just the way they carry themselves. I take a mental picture of someone out of my league. I want to be better. I want to feel more confident. I stare enviously at what they have. Never mind the struggle it might have taken to arrive there. Who cares about the tears that may lay dormant beneath their award winning simile? I'm sure everything just fell into place for them. And I never really want to get to know them or their story because most times I am just comfortable making up my own story to suit many personal insecurities.

I think about them as a sort of self affirmation. "If my body had been THAT tight then maybe she would have talked to me." "Maybe I would have felt like dancing on the floor a little more." "Maybe I would have gotten THAT number." "Maybe I will get my dream jobs and the flexibility to do everything I want in the time frame I want." It makes me feel nervous. And suddenly it becomes not even about getting a girl's number at a club. It becomes about life and my constant need to self-actualize.

I'm standing still and even as I work towards a steady climb I still think about just jumping off the ladder altogether. But even that frightens me. I mean, sure the ladder is cold, damp, uncomfortable, and they are people stepping all over me as they climb to the top, but at least they're going to get theirs in the end. I kind of settle on this occupational stagnation and even though not much time has passed I feel like it's whipping by because as the clock marches forward I fear I won't have youth on my side to make my mark in the many ways that I can. I find myself having mild panic attacks and trying to calm my nerves. Sorry for this ramble. I said all of that as a preface for today's continuance of the only prayer keeping me sane right now. If you're going through a similar trial maybe you can use it too. It's a prayer for serenity. You might already know it.

God grant me the serenity;
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

Basically a cry up to the Almighty to help me be a little less anxious and little more complacent in things eternal....as they say. I think I'm ready now. Next time, I'm going to buy her that drink. Even if it kills me.
*Shoutout to all the nerds or art buffs who recognize Vincent Van Gogh's Self Portrait above. I claim no copyrights to it.